Can somebody please tell me exactly what the fuck is up with the utter sameness of so many death metal bands? Does the cosmos actually require certain locations on the earh — most notably Norse countries and Florida — to churn out a never-ending cycle of stuff that sounds like a rockin’ version of Tolkien’s “black speech,” or is the death metal glut actually being perpetrated by one band who keeps changing wigs and names and issuing basically the same album in yet another stage persona?
Those are the best answers I can come up with in an attempt to figure out just what the hell is up with these bands, virtually all of which are indistinguishable in both sound and content. Being a perfect case in point, Norway’s Bloodthorn exemplifies this metal species as well as any of their brethren, what with the drums sounding like a full kit being kicked down thirty flights of stairs by a kid who forgot to take his Ritalin, and vocals that fall somewhere between the Cookie Monster or an Orc fresh from the pits of Mordor and a guy projectile-vomiting while attempting to recite the Pledge of Allegiance.
Basically a nine-track compendium of many tired death metal clichés — the Apocalypse, mutilation of oneself or others, sacrificial slaughter, Hell, dead people — this album offers absolutely nothing that hasn’t previously been heard a million times, utterly played out, and forgotten once its audience discovers exactly what’s in the girl down the street’s skintight jeans. And these guys actually have at least four albums out! No, seriously!
If you must listen to this kind of crap at least home-mix an appropriate metal track over the original tune for the Cookie Monster’s classic “C Is For Cookie” (Gatefold Records, 1971). Unlike these would-be apparitions from the netherworld, the Cookie Monster has the common decency to actually be a monster and unashamedly wax poetic about a subject near and dear to him rather than mining the fetid carcass of Norse gruntcore. And it would be fun for your kids! TRUST YER BUNCHE!!!
Fuck Bloodthorn, I'm holding out for "C Is For Cthulhu!"
1 comment:
Oh FUCK "Death Metal!" I hate that shit. Its not real "Metal." My blood bleeds Metal and this shit is absolutely the shit that you said it is: Shit.
On the other had I was pleasantly surprised last week when I discovered Lordi: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tkw4jhDE1eQ
Imagine GWAR is Gwar could actually play decent music. Sure the lead singer's voice is a little rugged but it fits. I don't know what to classify them as but I personally think of them as "Horror Metal." Their videos are pretty cool. The first one I saw was the 2006 version of "Would you love a Monster Man?" Check them out you may dig them.
--=MR.JOE=--
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